Haven’t been feeling very chatty in the past two weeks. I go through these phases of withdrawal regularly, when I can’t bring myself to talk to anyone, say anything about myself, and I generally just want to hide. I am surprise I still have any friends at all, considering this terrible behavior. I certainly don’t deserve the ones that I have.
My need to hide usually coincides with feelings of insecurity and unworthiness, when I feel like I have no reason to show my face out in the world because I haven’t been productive, useful, etc. These moments have become more frequent later and have made me understand one thing: the more I withdraw, the worst I feel. I am not my own best companion. So the instinct is not right, in this case. I should be looking for people in times of discouragement.
Not having been able to finish that New England story in time really brought my work to a standstill. I didn’t know what to pick up next and felt unproductive which in turn really made me not produce anything. Then the small kid got sick and didn’t let me sleep for several nights in a row, which drained me.
But I have been upping my gym frequency which I’m feeling good about. I even bought my first ever pair of sneakers, just because the elliptical was starting to hurt my feet after a while in the canvas shoes I wore to the gym. I am taking my Kindle and a water bottle with me in the evenings, when the husband is back from work, and retreating into the neighborhood gym for about one hour. So relaxing and satisfying! Although it hasn’t helped me lose any of the weight I’ve gained over the winter.
The weather has also improved around these parts, and I have been to the playground with the little kid two days in a row. I didn’t even take my Kindle with me, but instead just tried to enjoy being out and in the sun.
Have been watching Father Brown on Netflix every night. I enjoyed the first season the most. Maybe it was the lightest in mood, and it became increasingly darker. Nothing is as satisfying as a good dose of darkness, but I was looking for more small town coziness in Father Brown. Still enjoying it nonetheless.
I read an article in the dentist’s office about the Twin Peaks revival. Has it aired yet? I haven’t checked, but I am almost afraid to watch it, because I’m afraid it will ruin it for me. It was interesting to see how the actors have aged in the promotional pictures. They all look very good. Was a bit disappointed not to see Lara Flynn Boyle in the cast. Donna was such a pivotal character and for some reason the one I identified with the most.
I finished reading The Little Stranger by Sarah Waters and kind of hated it all the way. I just felt like it was going nowhere. Not a good feeling. I’m really not into the classic (old) narrative style at all anymore. Glad to be done with this one. It only reinforces my 
belief that good scary books are just very hard to find.
I am still working on the Daphne du Maurier biography, while also reading (mostly at the gym 🙂 ) Mayhem by Sarah Pinborough and Ten Days in a Madhouse by Nellie Bly. Mayhem looks good, although I am bothered by the too many characters introduced too abruptly. But the Jack the Ripper London is fascinating. Ten Days in a Madhouse, is non-fiction. It started as an investigative reporting article and the book was originally published in the 1887 as a journalist’s first hand account of insane asylum conditions in those times. It is not the easiest read, both in terms of writing style and subject matter, but very interesting nonetheless, considering the unique perspective.
The weather has been much nicer these days so I got to go out without the winter jacket, or any jacket for that matter. I started a 10×10 challenge (10 outfits from 10 items of clothing) on Instagram to have some fun with clothes, and it’s going all right, although I have moments when I feel the anxiety of being trapped in the horror of only having a small assortment of clothes at my disposal. Clearly not cut out for minimalism.
I haven’t been wearing my scarves lately, since the black&white wardrobe experiment and I miss them. I bid on a beautiful silk square on eBay which was a sort of Japanese brush design, really pretty, but someone outbid be quickly, which I can’t say I feel too bad about: I prefer to buy on my thrift store trips, which are all sorts of fun, rather than by sitting my couch. But this scarf was a beauty and I have a feeling I am going to be looking for this exact one for a very long time. Still, I must trust my thrifting magic. It is going to come my way sooner or later. Just putting it out there. And it is something to look forward to. Instant gratification is for wussies.
Exercise is great for pumping up moods as well as muscles.
I have to push myself to be” with” people, even if they are the same room.
Police procedurals from other countries have been my mainstay this winter, Father Brown might be next for me.
I’ve seen other Vera (I think I can squint out the signature) scarves in thrift stores, not that particular one though.
Happy hunting.
Yes, those Vera Neumann scarves are everywhere. She’s done all sorts of designs. I think I have good chances of finding that scarf again, although, you never know. I’m in no hurry, though. Something weird is happening in the thrift stores I go to: their scarf collections are diminishing. Or maybe it only seems that way now that I am intentionally looking for something.
I know about forcing yourself to be with people. But I think it’s always worth it in the end. I don’t crave solitude so much these days. It leaves me too anxious.
Haha! That last sentence – I am going to make it my mantra for the next few months!! I love your shoes in the first picture. I have been following your 10×10 on Insta. You know what they say Lori – Boundaries and Not Rules 🙂 So, please don’t feel bad about wanting to wear a scarf or missing things outside of the 10 items. I haven’t watched Father Brown, but it is starting to show up on my Netflix recommendations. I think you might like these two mini-series, if you have not already seen them – Grantchester & Endeavour. Both are available on Amazon.
I hope you feel better and are able to make progress with your work. We all have those times. But, I am sure this happens to people in the creative fields rather than us 9 to 5-ers.
You might like Father Brown. Not as sophisticated as Endeavour or even Grantchester. I love Endeavour!
And yeah, about work, sometimes motivation is hard to build from nothing ?. But there’s always a way, I guess. Trudging ahead!